a much needed goodbye

maybe what i thought was protecting me has slowly stressed me out, leaving that helpless feeling. it's time to say goodbye...

uncurling my fingers, releasing the tension
--
pulling free of the mold
--
stepping aside and studying this idealistic figure;
--
looking her straight in the eyes


we each stare back; wary and uncomfortable
--
i scour around for the best way to liberate this image; my visard
--
sitting together, sipping on serendipity
--
she with no expectations for me but mine so unrealistic for her

she lets me begin and nods along; perfectly timed
--
ready to be everything and anything that is required
--
always needing to know that she is doing what is exemplary
--
i turn and search for a release moment


the energy that is required to put her in place
--
leaves me breathless and exhausted; propping her up in front of me,
--
i have been concealed behind her; hidden and protected
--
i step back, loosening the strings


significant and much needed for so long
--
but as i step aside and separate, pushing past and looking beyond
--
a moment of exposure taunts and yet galvanises
--
the urgency for release


it's a one-sided departure, a much needed goodbye.                                    :: words by clare hubbard ::
__________________

it's been a rough couple of days, just feeling below the weather and beyond stretched to make it all ok for others. And just greyness.

it's hard to acknowledge this but i realise that if i keep 'faking it', i am giving in to the feeling i am trying to tackle. i have learned recently through this journey that i am on, that i carry around with me a false sense of responsibility. at some point in my early life i ascertained that my responsibility was 'to make everyone happy'.  it has been an epiphany recently, and one that i am continuing to unravel and carefully lay to rest.

i am ready to let go of this self-proclaimed title and be free of the {shame} that comes when i trip and fall, trying to be the perfect version of me. we all trip, stuff up and crawl at different times, and i am coming to an accepting place, appreciating that it's ok for me to let others see.

i'm still walking this journey...

do you feel the same pressures? are you ready to say goodbye?

:: holding on to the good ::